5 Hours

for my son, who should be 365 days old today

Five hours.

That was the length of his life.

Five blissful hours.

Five torturous hours.

Five hours cradled in my arms while I was held in his father’s—like perfectly-fitting puzzle pieces.

A warmth I’ve felt never before and never since.

A warmth so bright that, when it left, it took warmth itself with it.

Five hours.

That’s not a life, it’s not even a full work day.

But it wasn’t just 5 hours, was it?

It was 5 galaxies.
It was 50 suns.
It was 500 new songs,
and 5,000 “I-love-yous”

No, it wasn’t only 5 hours.

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If your life began the moment of your birth, then how did I already know you so intimately?

Where did I learn the secret wordless language that only you and I could understand?

And if your life ended five hours later,

then how am I still shapeshifting because of it?

Why does it feel like the part of me that was taken with you still whispers in my ear?

No, it didn’t end 5 hours later.

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Five…
What’s in a number?

It happened on the fifth week of the fifth month of the 2025th year, between the hours of 2am and 7am.

You must like the number 5.

What a human number.

Five fingers, five toes…five senses.

I hope I touched each one.

I’m sure I did.

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You looked like a nightshade garden

Smelled like warmth

Felt like citrus

Tasted like a symphony

And sounded like sunlight.

Sunlight

Sunset

Firelight

Brightest night

Lev.

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Some special content in honor of Lev 🤎

Shortly before he was born, my husband and I spent some time singing with him. Music is what brought J and I together many years ago and it remains a pillar in our family. Though I didn’t much feel like singing, we chose to spend some time playing music over him so that he would know the sound of our voices and the strum of his father’s guitar.

I recorded a very short clip from that sacred moment and I’m sharing it here so some of you can get a single glimpse of the love that surrounded him and still does. Because it is so tender and intimate, I am putting in behind a paywall.

We have also put together a special playlist in honor of our boy.

You can access both here.